I was recently looking through photos on my phone and came across one that made me giggle all over again. A while back, I was upstairs getting dressed while the kids were undoubtedly watching something on IPTV. As Liam was still only a few months old, I never left him alone for long.

I was gone maybe five minutes when I came back down to a fantastic scene. Judah was bending over his baby brother, putting on the finishing touches. When he noticed me watching from the stairs, he took a step back and presented him in a very Vanna White-like fashion.

Me: What's going on down here, Big Guy?

Judah: I decorated Liam.

Me: Decorated him as a what?

Judah: As a Liam.

I think my favorite part is the Mountain Dew bottle tipped up near the mouth as though he were just sipping away.

Liam has since accompanied me upstairs.

My Redneck Experience

Friday night I was sitting in my living room when I received the call. Mama C was volunteering at the Iowa Speedway for their Missions of Mercy extravaganza and wanted to know if I wanted to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I had been informed this May that my bottom two wisdom teeth were impacted and needed to come out. Not having any dental insurance, I didn't really jump at the command. I had the dentist write me a referral to Iowa City and stashed it away for the coming years. According to Dr What's-His-Name, my teeth were going require an actual surgeon because of the way they were positioned. Both teeth were laying sideways with their crowns pushing against the teeth next to them. Both teeth also had curled roots, which aren't easy to extract.

So, I looked at Will and exclaimed, "I'm gonna go get my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow." Will asked one or two questions and I was off to Newton to sleep on Mama C's couch. Mama woke me up at 5:30 to get ready and out the door. It was a dilemma to decide what to wear. It was raining outside, so I wanted to be warm and comfy, but I didn't want to look like I was white trash. I don't know why it mattered. I mean, I was preparing to stand in line for free dental care like the rest of white trash Iowa, but I felt like people needed to know that I wasn't gross...I just didn't have dental care.



So I finally decided on the appropriate outfit, and we headed to the WalMart parking lot to pick up my little brother, Josh (yeah, throwing WalMart in there doesn't make me any less white trash). Since my mom was a volunteer, she took us through the volunteer gate, bypassing the 100 cars that had been in line for hours already. She then walked up through some back doors and pointed the way to the beginning of the line. Josh and I walked over, and as we turned around, we saw hundreds of people running for the line. They had been let out of the holding pen seconds after we walked to the front of the line. As we were standing there, some lady asked me what time we had to get there to be first in line. I answered, "Six fifteen." She replied,"I got here at 4:30...how did you get in front of me?" "Errrr, what was the question?"

Now for the experience: They led us into a large room where we were given papers to fill out and rows of chairs to sit in. Josh and I sat at the back of the chairs and began filling out our papers. People were to shift chairs as others were let in. At one point, Josh looked at me and said, "It smells like McDonald's in here." He was right. Blech.

The nurses took our blood pressure and asked some "are you allergic" questions, and we were shuttled into a new line. This line led us into a different room with more chairs to shift through. After those chairs, we were led into a room with actual dentists. My dentist looked at my teeth and asked what I wanted done. I showed her my referral note and she sent me over to a different line. They told me that I was lucky I was early, because the dentist don't do major oral surgery like this later in the day but would be looking for something to do early on. I was happy to keep them busy.

Next, I was led to a different building where x-rays were taken. Then I was led through building after building past hundreds of dentists until we reached the Oral Surgeon section. I sat down and the rest is history.

My dad came and picked me up after all was completed. We stopped at HyVee Drugstore to get the meds I was prescribed (which were free, too). Then I drove home. Yep, I drove the hour back to Ames right after surgery. I was doing great until I was about ten minutes out and the numbness started wearing off. I pulled onto the last stretch of road and felt blood dripping down my chin. I was a MESS by the time Judah opened the door for me. Poor kid.

Now I am swollen and bruised. The worst part of the whole deal is that I don't have a dentist to do follow-up work with. I have no idea if I should still be spitting blood or bruised so badly. Granted, I had a pretty invasive surgery. He had to remove part of my jawbone to get to the teeth and remove the roots separately after they broke off in my gums.

So here is a photo of what I look like two days after surgery. It's not pretty.




I guess that's what you get when you get free dental care.

Glorious

Today the kids and I went to a family day at our lame-o mall in Ames. They put a kid's section in where the fountain used to be about six months ago. Today was the ribbon cutting. Yep, a ribbon cutting. It was e-barrising (anyone?). To go along with the ribbon cutting, there were free cookies, free play on the lighted dance floor, story time by Ames' own Bra-less Gerri, and crafts. I love me some free fun!

As we were leaving the mall, a mountain of white toilet paper caught my eye. I thought it looked like something my children would like to see, so I turned right and set off to gawk. This house got rocked with toilet paper. I was instantly embarrassed by all of the shoddy t.p.ing jobs I have pulled off in my life. It really was a thing of beauty.

I decided to find out what Judah thought, so I asked, "Judah, what do you think?"

Judah replied in his innocence, "It's glorious."

Either my son is just ridiculously easy to impress or I am raising a troublemaker. I am a little afraid.

Dumbo

Judah has developed a real attachment to the lovable cartoon, Dumbo. Has anyone else watched this Disney abomination in your adult years? It is awful. I'm not even talking about the old school animation. The movie is old, so I can live with the crappy effects. I am talking about the weird content of the movie that I must have blocked out when I was a child.

Point One: Dumbo is blatantly mocked and abandoned by "adults" because of his big ears. After his mama gets thrown in the clink, the other elephants proclaim that he is on his own. It boggles my mind because Dumbo is clearly supposed to be a baby or else he would be able to talk.

Point Two: Baby Dumbo gets drunk. I totally didn't get it when I was little. I remember thinking the whole Elephants on Parade song and dance was creepy, but I was blissfully unaware that Dumbo is hammered. This is possibly Judah's favorite part of the flick. He is beside himself with giggles every time he sees the pink elephants. It is quite adorable...but creepy.

Point Three: The crows are clearly a ridiculous stereotype of the uneducated African American of the day. "I be done seen 'bout everything"? Come on, people. And why do they have to smoke cigars?

Point Four: Why on earth is Mrs. Dumbo let out of the loony bin? She attacks a child for making fun of her son and is let out after Dumbo becomes rich and famous? What kind of message are we sending here?

I am not sure who got Dumbo for Judah. (I think if was Uncle Worm:) It is just a weird movie. Am I just looking at it in the wrong light? I mean, millions of people have loved Dumbo for decades...I just don't get it.

Naked Babies

My children love to be naked. Love it. It always reminds me of Dana Carvey's stand up when Judah runs in sans clothes. I expect him to shout, "Iiiitttt's NAKED TIME!!" It is partly my fault. I potty train my kids by letting them run around without pants on so they can figure out how to know that pee and poop go in the potty. It is a frustrating process, but it cuts down on the numbers of diapers and pull ups I have to buy :)

Mayah has begun to potty train this week. Mugh. She has quickly realized that poop does not belong in her undies or diaper. Last night, we heard Mayah screaming nearly an hour after we had put her and Judah to bed. They share a room, so when Mayah screams, Judah is awake. I decided to go up pretty quickly to see if I could calm her down. The scene I walked in to will forever be burned into my memory.

The light to the closet had been turned on by Judah. He was bouncing in his bed without his clothes on. I then let my eyes wander to Mayah. She was naked and holding her diaper in both hands. When she saw me, she held her diaper up and said, "Poop." Sure enough, she had pooped in her diaper, taken it off, and was holding it in her hands.

So to recap: two naked children, poop, and bouncing. Why did Judah decide to get naked?
How did Mayah manage to take her shirt off? Did Judah climb into her crib and help her? What was Mayah going to do with that poop?

I guess the positive would be that she knew the poop shouldn't be in her diaper. The negatives? Use your imagination.

People Kissing?

The other day, Judah was giving me some sweet kisses on the face.
"I'm giving you baby kisses, Mama."
"Ooooh, thank you, Judah. I like these! What do big kid kisses look like?"
Judah proceeds to give me a kiss on the lips. Then, "Do you want a people kiss?" (Judah calls any adult a 'people'.)
"What does a people kiss look like, Judah?"
"We open our mouths."

I passed.

Where does a three year old get this? Will and I are careful not to turn on adult shows until after our kids go to bed. Are our babysitters making out in front of them? Should I even bother figuring this out???

That Really Blows

Yesterday started out as a pretty good day. Church was great. Neither Will or I had any teaching, announcement, or greeting responsibilities so we could just go in and worship. Someone even brought in some amazing fruit pizza for everyone to enjoy. Mmmm mm! After church, the family and I tried out a new restaurant with our good friend, Sarah Mull, whom we hadn't spoken to in quite a while. The company was good, but the lunch itself left a bit to be desired. We went to Q'doba, a new Mexican restaurant in Ames. It is very similar to Pancheros in that you go through an assembly line ordering process. The thing that sucks about those places is that sometimes the workers get annoyed if I want to order for me AND Will. Why would I ever put them through such an inconvenience? I got up to the front of the line, and the girl asked me how many kid's meals I wanted. I explained that I had never been to a Q'doba, so it might take me more than three seconds to figure out what I want. I ended up ordering one kid's meal for Judah and Mayah to share and ordered Will's burrito. She then skipped on to the next person before I could tell her what I wanted, so there was an order of food between my food. It wouldn't have been an issue, but they were so rude about everything. It might be a while before we try that place again.

Moving right along with our day...Mama C called and decided she really wanted to see the kids, so we drove down to Altoona and switched out car seats in the Adventureland parking lot. She took Judah and Mayah home with her, and we drove home with Liam in tow. Since we had the afternoon to ourselves, Will enjoyed a day of fantasy football drafting while we watched LOST season 1 for the seventh time.

So, Jess, what is it that really blows?? Chill, I'm getting there. The day seemed to be going my way for the most part. It really had been quite pleasant. We had plans that night to play games with some good friends, so around 7:30, we packed up our son and headed to Story City. As I was nearing the city limits, I felt the SUV start to drag and pull to the right followed by a flapping noise. Will wisely suggested we pull off and check on what we both already knew was true. We were on the side of the road with a blown tire and no spare. 'Geeze, Jess, it seems pretty foolish to drive around with no spare. Where was it?' Well, friends, our spare just so happened to already be on the back left tire spot.

We called our friend to come and get us, and while we were waiting, a car stopped. The people in the car were very helpful. The big guy dropped to his knees and started taking off our tire before asking if we needed help. The other guy immediately got on his phone and started calling tire places with our tire number. Before they left, the big guy instructed us to take EVERYTHING out of our car before we left it. "Teenagers will break your windows out for a cool looking pair of sunglasses." In a panic, I stuffed my bag with everything that wasn't bolted down. Stupid teenagers. How dare they?? Well, after they left and we discussed the man's instructions, we realized that he was a police officer in Cedar Rapids. They threat level went down a notch.

We enjoyed a fun evening of games with our friends and got a ride home at the end of the night. I am thankful that we didn't have Judah and Mayah with us during this fiasco, and I am thankful that I wasn't alone. It is now 10am on Labor Day, and Will is spending his morning looking for someone who carries our tire size. Poor guy. That really blows.

To Bathe or Not to Bathe

I finally went for it. Mayah is 21 months old and had some long, ugly hair. She had the weird, mullet type layers that a baby's hair grows in. You know, short in the front and long in the back. If I washed her hair EVERY morning, she had the most beautiful curls I could have imagined. But come on, who other than a new mother of one child bathes her child every day? My kids are lucky if they get baths three times a week. Poor Liam has only been bathed twice in five months. (Okay, please note that I exaggerate.)

Okay, not really...but I am astounded by my own lack of motivation to bathe my children. I don't want to have gross kids, it is just such a chore to clean three children. When Judah was born, I gloried in giving him an infant bath every single night. It was sweet...I was naive. When Mayah came along, she got a bath maybe every other night. When she and Judah were finally able to bathe together, it became an every other night thing with a definite bath on Saturdays. Liam came along and upset the fruit basket. I try to get Mayah and Judah in every other night, but Mayah is at the age where she HATES water in her face (unless we are playing with water outside...then she can't get enough). Unless there is applesauce in the hair, a wash cloth will usually suffice. I am raising the stinky kid in class.

Moving right along to my point: Mayah was not getting sufficient bath times, so I decided it was time to give her ratty hair some help. I gave her her first hair cut. Here is the ridiculously long before picture :

So, when you go about cutting dry hair that normally curls, here is a reminder: it dries a ton shorter than where you cut it. Duh. I totally knew that, right? Well, for some reason I forgot. I chopped Mayah's beautiful curls so short! Here are our after pictures:

Well, Mayah is beautiful. There is no denying that. Her hair is short enough that she won't need it washed unless it is sticky and gross. Another normal parent duty avoided.

I'm baaaack?

Okay, so I realize that I have been a worthless blogger of late. Let me tell you a tale about our computer and internet frustrations...

I like the internet. As a stay at home mom, it is sometimes the only "interaction" I have with the outside world until Will comes home from work. Don't pity me. Some days it is for the best. Sometimes all I need is to check my Facebook page or read some blogs to get my real people fix. I don't feel like it is asking much. When we moved into our current location, my sister-in-law, Caitlyn, decided that her year old laptop needed replacing. She was going to be a sophomore in college, and her Dell just wasn't all she could have dreamed it would be. For example, it didn't have Microsoft Word (here is where I normally roll my eyes). Caitlyn bought a new computer, and the Owens family got a year old hand-me-down. Not a bad deal, eh?

Our annoyance with this computer began right from the start. Everything about it worked fine until you decided you needed to use the bathroom, check on a neglected child, or attend to a child-centered catastrophe. If any of the above distractions took long enough for the screen to hibernate, all was lost. You would be forced to shut the entire operation down and try again. Not a big deal, right? It was a free computer...no complaints.

Months and months later, we had grown accustomed to our one great computer affliction. Then we noticed that the cord to recharge the battery began to fray. For three or four months, we could move the computer and just jiggle the cord if the correct wires within the cord were no longer touching. We even got some electrical tape to try to get those wires to become permanent friends. After a while, it became apparent that the computer could no longer be moved freely. We stationed the laptop on our kitchen counter. We even sat on dining room chairs if we wanted to watch something on Hulu. We were committed to this computer.

The cord finally gave up it's last breath. We mourned the allotted amount of time and soon became an internet-free household. Suck. I was able to remain connected to the cooler half of the world by weekly visits to Ames library. Have you ever seen the people who sit at the library computers all day? I am nearly positive that half of them are homeless and the rest are at the library completing community service. I'm not sure how I am to be classified in this group...I would like to think I had my own unaffiliated classification. Yes...that is what I choose to believe.

After researching the price of computer cords and realizing that we would need to budget it into our sad excuse for "miscellaneous items" savings, my mother-in-law graciously offered to take our computer to some techy acquaintances to see if they had a cheap cord laying around. Mama O came through, and for the past week we have been enjoying the luxuries of the internet from our home. It has been a good run...or at least it was for the first day.

The computer mysteriously came home with all sorts of new troubles. As she powers on, four different things pop up to tell me that programs are either not running anymore or cannot be found. After I finally close out of all of the crap that can no longer run (or be un-installed successfully), I finally get to a place where I can click on the internet. It runs one out of four times. Most of the time, I have to restart the computer to get the internet to work for me. If it does work, it kicks me offline at periodic moments of its choosing. I am thoroughly astounded that I have been able to list my woes to you with no computer interruptions. I think it is teasing me.

So there you have it: The tale of why I suck at blogging and have left all of you hanging around waiting for my next intoxicating installment. I will try with all of my might to fight through the evil tricks of this technological monster. I am not this easily beaten.